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May 11, 2005
Patience
I can tell when I’m beginning to get complacent or maybe even happy because I start to get annoyed at every little thing.
Things have been pretty good. I’m not sick anymore*; I finally have a sofa-bed; I’m comfortable, more or less. Now that I’m not s concerned with me health and physical surroundings, I can focus myself on things that are more external. It’s all really internal, of course, but I can rant and rave anyway.
I spend a good amount of time in internet chat rooms (yes, I know it’s pathetic!) but I haven’t been able to participate. I read the conversation and can’t find anything that grabs my attention enough for me to participate. I don’t see anything interesting or funny to me. I know it’s me who’s in a different place. Certainly, it isn’t everyone else in the chat who has suddenly started being shallow, although it sure seems that way. I suppose I should be grateful that I can’t join the meaningless repartee but I feel, probably appropriately, that I’m unfairly judging even the people in the chat who I actually like. I know that I’m in a lot of ways very different from the “average” person, especially the average gay person. Still, I can’t help wishing there was something there to engage me.
I feel the same thing at the AA meetings I’ve been going to. Even ignoring the endless talk about “God,” I can’t find much that moves me. What I hear is a lot of Hallmark sentiment, although I’m sure peoples’ sharing is as sincere as ever and, surely, not suddenly more shallow than usual. I sit at a meeting and what strikes me is it’s incredible similarity to television in general and reality television in particular. American Idol and its ilk have turned the smallest emotional or physical setback into an occasion for over-the-top sobbing and hand-wringing. (Oh no!! I’ve been eliminated from a game show!! How will I ever survive?) It’s not that I think what people are talking about isn’t real. What I see is a real lack of actual insight or self-knowledge. There are, of course, exceptions. some people have real problems and appear to understand them. They seem to be in the minority, though, in my mind.
Yes, yes, I know most of this is all about how I’m perceiving things. I’m allowing myself to feel superior to the plebes. On the other hand, there’s a real inability these days for people to look inside. They’d rather go on TV and blame someone else or sue someone than see what their own part in something might be. (True, Michael Jackson is a child-molester but these people let their children stay at his house! I mean, really. Get a grip.) the entire thing is sad to me and, at the same time, I’d like to be able to engage with people more often. I just don’t see it happening, though.
This recent feeling of “otherness” is most likely the main reason I haven’t been writing much lately. Who knows? I sure don’t and I’m one of the smart ones!
*I had a CT scan of my lungs yesterday. I’m not feeling sick but something might be wrong. I have a wheeze in my right lung which my doctor is concerned about. I’ll find out what’s up next week.
Posted by HighStrungLoner in The High Strung Loner at 1:39 PM
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